I am not particularly hung up on my height (although when you’ve read this you might want to tell me otherwise). My lack of stature isn’t a big deal usually but every now and then I encounter a few low altitude issues.
I little bit of research tells me that the average height of women on the UK is 162cm – surprisingly small. (needless to say I am smaller than that). Clothes of course need to be made in all shapes and sizes so averages are really not useful. I’m sure the tallest of my friends would agree that there is a problem with their end of the market too with a serious lack of material to cover their ankles (please mind the gap!). Equally no one wants their trousers to be performing capillary action absorption of freezing cold puddles – in Winter 2014 a common and uncomfortable issue.
Not being able to reach things is incredibly frustrating. Even in my own kitchen (cupboards specifically located lower than the ‘norm’) I still have to go and get a chair in order to easily access all but the bottom shelf. Worktops are too high. I keep my shoes on in order to have my elbows at a reasonable level above the surface. It’s like being a child attempting to find the hidden biscuit tin. My own children start to ask me to reach something for them but never finish the sentence as it dawns on them that I will be no help at all.
I’m not the only one who walks into a shop and looks up at highly stacked shelves, such as those in Sports Direct, and thinks can I really be bothered to ask someone to get that down? These stores at least have ladders and those long hooks hanging about so there is a reasonable chance of someone accessing the excessively lofty stock. It occurs to me that as the job of a merchandiser is to ensure maximum sales in a store then they really need to think about how putting products physically out of reach of your target market might be considered a failure. They seriously need to up their game – or in this case – down their game. The last time I went to buy jeans in Next, they had put the Petite range so high I had to jump to get the items from the rail. In fact I achieved my personal best in the high jump. I may well contact the 5 Star athletic awards and let them know they need to update my award to a 4. (This is a sore point too but I might not go into that today).
One of the highlights of my vertically challenged shopping was achieved last year when I was asked to reach an item from the top of a shelf in a supermarket. I genuinely thought it was a wind up (hidden cameras behind the washing powder). The poor woman who asked me had a condition which meant she couldn’t raise her arms above her shoulders. Usually I’m the one asking for a ‘bunk-up’ to get the own brand cornflakes from the top shelf. Presumably we were the only two people in the store and she was desperate. Thankfully I was able to reach it. I was ecstatic, she was confused as to why I was so pleased with myself. It distracted me from the out of season products in the adjacent aisle which had previously been distressing me.
So, here’s a quick list of some other height gripes.
- People ordering over my head in pubs
- Netball – no, just no.
- Umbrellas – totally unusable for short people
- People walking alongside you and saying “Gosh you are short aren’t you?”
- Standing at gigs (someone once leant me a cool box to stand on at Wembley – I spent about 4 hours on it)
- Sitting behind anyone over the age of 10
- Being the target height for Year 5 or 6 children (10/11 year olds)
- Sore neck – I spend a lot of time looking up
- In response to telling someone my actual height, hearing, “Yes, but 5ft what?” Consequently I opt for the metric version.
- Feet constantly dangling 2 inches above the ground when sat on a chair.
From my point of view:
- Everyone’s tall.
- There’s no point in trying on trousers for length
- Your bike will be too big for me to even consider borrowing it
So what are the positives? I always claim that my low centre of gravity is beneficial in hockey. I rarely get knocked over as generally my shoulder is the height of everyone else’s waist. If I have the ball it’s a fair bet I can keep it. So that’s the plus side. The downside is that the average height of hockey players in the south east appears to be increasing by 1cm per season. Teams in south London have apparently now introduced a specific breeding program that produces players with arms the length of orangutangs and legs so long and spindly that I fear there has been some cross breeding with the long and almost invisible spiders which live in my classroom. Either that or some sort of Spiderman scenario has occurred where a mutant spider has sneaked into the clubhouses of these teams, hidden in the changing rooms and bitten them under their shin pads. Maybe the false widow’s threat is actually its ability to affect genes. Whatever the cause, there is nothing more annoying than being beaten to the ball by someone with Inspector Gadget arms and being unable to see the pitch when they stand in front of you.
Other positives:
- Potential for success in speed skating (see low centre of gravity).
- Increased oxygen supply at low levels
- Unlikely to get back ache
- Reaching low stuff
- I’m the same height as a badminton net
- Most things go over my head
So, anyway, here’s a tip. Never follow me through a low door. Never follow me with your head down. I have previously left behind me people sprawled on the floor having hit their head on a low beam, car boot or branch that I haven’t even noticed and they have lost a few brain cells on.
Remember, I’ve no need to duck, but don’t assume you don’t need to either.
mostly ridiculous 